


promise

by iovewords



Series: Spideychelle Music Shuffle [1]
Category: Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Arguing, F/M, Grief/Mourning, well kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-15
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:35:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26471983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iovewords/pseuds/iovewords
Summary: And even if you said you know that I’m sorryI don’t know if I could ever forgive meOr: Peter and MJ have an argument on the subway platform.
Relationships: Michelle Jones/Peter Parker
Series: Spideychelle Music Shuffle [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1928152
Comments: 10
Kudos: 37
Collections: The Spideychelle Shuffle





	promise

**Author's Note:**

  * For [coykoi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/coykoi/gifts).



> For the Spideychelle Shuffle Game: Promise by Muna

MJ wants to take back her words the second they leave her mouth. 

But of course she can’t, and they hang in the air between them, cold and sharp like the blade of a knife. The rushing ambience of the crowded train platform fades away until it’s just those horrible words she didn’t mean to say echoing in her ears, and his stunned, hurt face staring back at her.

It was stupid of them both to start arguing here, on the goddamn subway platform, laying their emotions bare, exposing intimacies and insecurities for everyone in the vicinity to hear. Every time a train went roaring past, their voices rose louder and louder in tandem with the furious rushing of blood in her ears.

Peter said cruel things too, vicious blows she knows deep down he didn’t mean either, but they stung and brought tears to her eyes. He hates seeing her cry, has always been horrified at the thought of being the one to make her cry, and now he finally did.

But then she mentioned Gwen. Fuck, why did she mention Gwen?

They stare at each other, frozen like time is standing still. After a moment he recovers from his shock, and his face goes slack and subdued, all of the fight draining out of him. He’s always been able to keep going and get back up when he’s fighting with his fists and webs. But with words? With her? She’s his achilles heel.

“Peter,” MJ whispers, taking a step toward him, and he takes a step backward. Her heart sinks.

At that moment their train arrives, screeching as it slows, and the crowd moves as an ocean current, shuffling bodies shouldering past one another in the rush hour flow. Peter leads the way onto the subway car and MJ has no choice but to follow him silently. 

People pack and squeeze into the car and Peter and MJ stand pressed together but he doesn’t look at her. One of his hands grasps onto a metal pole while the other wraps around her waist. It’s muscle memory, that he’ll always keep her steady so she doesn’t stumble and fall when the train jolts.

Of course he’s still going to hold onto her. 

A tear drips down her cheek as she traces his profile she’s come to know so intimately over the years. The curves of his cheeks and his forehead she’s pressed countless kisses to. The crookedness of his nose that’s broken and healed and broken and healed. His mouth that’s kissed, fucked and promised her. His jaw which is clenched and his eyes which are hard and focused on the ceiling. She wonders if he can sense her eyes on him, pleading silently for him to look at her, to tell him she’s sorry.

_I’m sorry. I’m sorry._

But she can’t apologize now, here, surrounded by strangers on a train in a city of millions. Not until they’re home. 

The ride is agonizingly long and MJ wants to jump out of her skin.

When they finally walk into their apartment, MJ holds her breath watching as he quickly strides into their bedroom to suit up for patrol. She’s not surprised in the least he wants to get away from her, but it still hurts.

“Peter,” she says in the doorway as he pulls his mask on, back to her. “What I said back there- it was out of line. And- and I don’t really think that. You know I don’t think for a second it was your fault... God, I’m so sorry.”

He’s quiet and she exhales shakily. Then he says, voice tight, “I’ll be back later. Bye Michelle.”

MJ watches him slide the window open and take off. She knows it’s the best thing for him to do right now, to blow off steam. But she also knows that being alone with his thoughts can send him into a spiral. And now she’s reinforced his deep-rooted painful belief that he’s to blame for what happened to Gwen.

She has a miserable dinner of microwaved leftovers, sat in one of the mismatched kitchen chairs they bought at Goodwill. The table was picked up from the street and her dad helped them sand and repaint it one weekend.

Afterward she sits on the couch and cries to Betty over the phone, who can’t come over because she’s visiting her grandmother in Maine. Betty doesn’t know Peter is Spider-Man and she doesn’t know he blames himself, so MJ can’t tell her exactly what she said. She wishes she could talk to May or Ned who know the truth, but she’s too ashamed right now.

Betty’s voice is soothing and kind, which only makes MJ feel worse. “Look, MJ, whatever it is you said, you didn’t mean it. You said it because he was hurtful to you, so you were hurtful back. It was a mistake. He’ll forgive you.”

“I know,” MJ whispers. And she does. Peter always forgives her, and she always forgives him. But can she forgive herself?

It’s late, early hours of the morning when she feels him slip into bed and join her under the covers. Her back is to him and she listens to him breathing in the quiet air.

“I’m sorry,” Peter murmurs. 

She rolls over. His face is open and vulnerable and she knows hers is a mirror. “I’m sorry too. I didn’t mean what I said.”

“I know,” he whispers. “I didn’t either. It kills me that I made you cry.”

She lets out a watery laugh, ironically. “I’m an emotional person. And so are you. We feel things deeply.”

Peter shuffles closer to her so their faces are inches apart, nose to nose.

“Peter,” she says quietly. “You know I don’t think it’s your fault. What happened… to Gwen. And you shouldn’t either.”

He squeezes his eyes closed and her hand reaches to cup his cheek. “It wasn’t your fault. _It wasn’t_. It was Osborn.”

“Who would have never taken her if she hadn’t been involved with me.”

“Peter-”

“That's why it scares me so much. The thought of losing you. If something happened to you too…”

She doesn’t know what to say to that. She can’t promise him nothing will happen to her, because of course she can’t. There’s nothing she can say to convince him not to blame himself. Nothing she can say to bring him to forgive himself. Only he can do that, and he may never will. 

All she can do is love him and hold him.

He falls asleep first, arms wrapped around her like he never wants to let her go. Before she drifts off herself, she wonders why it’s so much easier to forgive each other rather than themselves.

**Author's Note:**

> @iovewords on tumblr


End file.
